I was playing with the NaBloPoMo Randomizer this morning, as one does when one knows very well one ought to be making notes on Library of Congress Subject Headings. (And, yes, Ed, you are quite right, most posters seem to be graduate students in the throes of essay-avoidance). It was a fairly amusing experience, if slightly heavy on the cute pet pictures.
I noticed, at some point towards the bottom of the coffee mug, that I would read several posts on some blogs, and click away from others within three seconds of landing. It occurred to me I had no clue as to what was triggering the instant dismissals, as the subject headings were preying on my mind, and therefore there was no conscious reasoning going on [then or ever - Ed]. Not that preying ever equates to me picking the book up again, and, frankly, the subject headings will have to do better than that if they want a share of the caffeinated goodness that is my full attention.
So I went back, to see if I could see whatever it was I hadn’t wanted to see in the blogs I dismissed out of hand. And here is a list of the most obvious and immediate offenders. Dear God, but I’m a cruel and sneering bitch.
- Multiple exclamation marks. I don’t care if Nyarlathotep himself turned up in your front room with an entourage of maddening flute-players. Multiple exclamation marks make you look like a teenage girl who has run out of Ritalin. Stop it.
- no capitals. ever. because the shift key is sooooo hard to press, oh yes, especially when pressing something else with another finger of the same hand, though i see you can press it neatly enough when you need to tell us just how exciting you are finding nablopomo!!!! LOL!!!!
- Sentences that are capitalised and punctuated perfectly normally, but ‘I’ is in lower case. This does not make you look modest and self-effacing. It makes you look barmy. And not in an interesting, blue-haired, Jim Carey attracting way. If you want to self-efface, you could always not spend three paragraphs describing your favourite breakfasts.
- Religion. Sorry. I may well be missing out on the most fascinating and heart-warming reads of my life, but the phrases ‘our church’, ‘my husband the pastor’, ‘allow Jesus into your heart’ and ‘living according to G-d’s Law/ Scripture/ Plan’ induce a spasm of near-epileptic helplessness in my mouse-hand.
- Photo-essays on how you have tidied your hair-accessories/ made cookies/ tidied your lounge, complete with before and after and before with family and after with family and before with pets and after with pets. If you want me to look at that many views of your furniture, you need to have set fire to it, or at least have stacked it on the lawn.
- Spelling ‘Austen’ (as in Jane), ‘Austin’. Instant dismissal. Instant.
- Blogs entirely dedicated to telling the universe how lovely, cute, special and precious your kids/ spouse/ doggies are. Because I am a bitter and twisted old hag.
Also, work sucked poisonous green bunnies this afternoon, everyone is either off sick or out of temper, our new suppliers have now screwed up twice in the same order, and for a part-time girl I seem to be doing someone else’s full-time job on top of my own, which, now that I think about it, violates at least one law of physics.